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"Some Cynical Guy" No. 50: October 28, 2001

To Be A Cat

My cat Henry is a big fellow with a plush gray coat that reminds me of a velvet sofa. When he’s not eating or sleeping or pestering me for more food so that he might increase his formidable girth, he loves to sit on a wide window sill and gaze out into the alien world beyond the glass. In fact, he’s relaxing comfortably at the window in front of me as I write this, his paws stretched out in the manner of a Sphinx. Gold and chestnut leaves wave from the trees; Henry, being color-blind like all his kin, remains oblivious to the charms of autumn. He spots a crow perched on the chimney; that’s more like it. He chatters as if to entice the hefty bird within reach. I don’t think he suspects that a crow could probably take him in a one-on-one match.

Henry is twelve now; if he were one of us he’d be subscribing to Modern Maturity and considering the enticements of retirement in Florida. I worried about his welfare when we moved recently from our old place, where he enjoyed regular access to my balcony. There, crouched amid the planters, he’d lie in wait for any feathered intruders naive enough to attempt a landing on the balcony floor. Henry's birdwatching proved to be a harmless enough diversion, the feline equivalent of a video game. In all those years he caught just two birds that I’m aware of. One of them he dragged into my bedroom at seven-thirty in the morning, still flapping, as a tribute to my leadership, omniscience, or ability to open a can of Whiskas Turkey with Giblets. (I persuaded Henry to drop the terrified bird, then spent five minutes chasing it around the room so I could fling a towel over the critter and launch it back into the sky from my balcony.) The other fowl Henry caught wasn’t as fortunate; I returned from work one day to find a small mound of feathers next to my hammock.

But Henry is strictly an indoor cat now, and the world is once again safe for all manner of birdlife. I’m happy to see that Henry has adjusted to his new precincts, that he finds them congenial, and that he plans to spend his golden years yawning and stretching on our upstairs window sills. I’m happy that he seems to be happy.

Consider the happiness of a cat. Unlike his canine cousins, a cat probably isn’t capable of boisterous exultation (although it’s hard for those of us who aren’t cats to know for sure). From all appearances the happiness of a cat is better described as felicity, a word that for me has always carried connotations of purring feline contentment. One imagines George Washington, surveying his plantation from atop a horse at the end of the growing season, experiencing true feline felicity. He wouldn’t have slapped his knee and hooted like Abe Lincoln telling one of his patented off-color frontier tales; he’d probably have surveyed the landscape, found its ripe abundance pleasing to his soul, then narrowed his eyes and purred contentedly.

A cat enjoys the quiet self-esteem of one who is comfortable in his skin, who requires no applause or salary raises to hold his tail high. A cat’s self-regard seems to be natural and unshakable despite his total ignorance of Western civilization. No cat has ever read the Iliad or stopped to admire a fine building with Ionic columns. No cat could tell you who defeated Napoleon at the Battle of Waterloo, let alone what year the battle took place. A cat has never seen the Mona Lisa or heard of Leonardo da Vinci. In fact, cats in general don’t even know what country they inhabit, or that all of us are residents of a blue-green planet that English-speaking people call Earth. They can’t even tell English-speaking people from Arabic-speaking people. Their ignorance encompasses nearly everything in the universe except what it takes to be a successful cat. On that score nearly all of them are experts, and they require no schooling to attain their proficiency.

I’m beginning to envy the life of a cat. To be able to reap sweet pleasure from a sunny window sill seems more and more to me like the essence of contentment. My cat Henry knows nothing of terrorism, nothing of human fanaticism or megalomania. He hasn’t heard about the attack on the World Trade Center or anthrax spreading its sickening poison through the conduits of our lives. He isn’t looking into the purchase of gas masks or supplies of bottled water.

I could live with that kind of ignorance. Henry’s world is that of a pampered child, restrained in his freedom but serenely sheltered from the horrors of the larger world outside the window. If he feels thwarted in his ambition to prowl that world by night, to stalk the wild mouse and bask in a garden by moonlight, he doesn’t let it show. He knows sunlight and warmth, the certainty of food in his bowl, the expectation of a clean litter box, the comfort of friendly strokes and companionship. In short, unlike most of us these days, he knows true felicity.

Cynic’s Pick of the Week

This Halloween, numerous elementary schools across America have been banning costumes that are deemed too bloody or scary. Osama bin Laden masks are strictly verboten. And some schools have been urging their students to dress in red, white and blue. So now the terrorists have succeeded in spoiling the one holiday that kids can claim as their own. Is patriotism becoming the new Political Correctness?

© 2001 by Bridget Petrella Media Relations. "Some Cynical Guy" appears here by permission of the publisher. If you'd like this column to appear regularly in  your own site or publication, write to UPBEATmag@aol.com.

"Some Cynical Guy" column archive:
2002
81 -- A Brisk Walk Through the Ruins
80 -- The Fountain of Futility
79 -- Farewell to the Big House
78 -- The Cynical Guy Contemplates Cell Phones
77 -- Rich and Poor in Paradise
76 -- Dead Ducks: A Tale of the Food Chain
75 -- Old Comedians Just Fade Away
74 -- Suburbia Comes to Manayunk
73 -- When Nestlings Won't Leave the Nest
72 -- The Curse of High Standards
71 -- Inside the House of Horrors
70 -- The Post-Yuppie Handbook
69 -- Spring Reflections
68 -- Priestly Perversions
67 -- British Teeth: An Apology
66 -- The Sniffling Snout
65 -- Bullies with Social Skills
64 -- Supermarket Rage
63 -- Is the U.S. Really the Greatest?
62 -- The Holes in Our Armor
61 -- A Breath of Used Air
60 -- The Cynical Guy Has Sex
59 -- Let's Abolish the Seven-Day Week!
2001
58 -- Why Worry About the Future of Books?
57 -- The Friendly Face of Evil
56 -- Why We Live Where We Live
55 -- The Cynical Guy Discovers Talk Radio
54 -- Kite-Flying and Other Crimes
53 -- My Night as a Socialite
52 -- Gardening Is Not for Sissies
51 -- Invaders of the Honeysuckle
50 -- To Be a Cat
49 -- The Upside of Terrorism
48 -- The Vanishing Nerd
47 -- Anger Management for Cynics
46 -- Let's Level the Playing Field for Disadvantaged WASPs
45 -- First Impressions, Lasting Impressions
44 -- Close Encounter with a Go-Getter
43 -- Cheering for a Perennial Loser
42 -- The Cynical Guy Reads the Tabloids
41 -- When Does the Good Part Begin?
40 -- Confessions of an Internet Addict
39 -- The Decline of Punctuation and Civilization
38 -- Oh Baby, What a Nightmare!
37 -- The Cynical Guy Watches 'Xena: Warrior Princess'
36 -- A Night-Stroll into the Void
35 -- In Search of the Elusive Wild Tomato
34 -- Getting in Touch with Your Inner S.O.B.
33 -- The Lure of the Lurid
32 -- Black Tie and Beard Stubble
31 -- In Heaven There Is No Pez
30 -- Did You Make the Forbes Celebrity 100 List?
29 -- Redesigning Mt. Rushmore
28 -- On Listening to Dead Voices
27 -- Selling Your Soul on eBay
26 -- Sympathy for Colonel Klink
25 -- Democratic Celebrities in Exile
24 -- High School Revisited
23 -- A Farewell to Bachelorhood
2000
22 -- Requiem for a Middleweight
21 -- Is There a Gene for Tackiness?
20 -- How the Beautiful People Entertain Themselves
19 -- The Cynical Guy Gets Behind the Wheel
18 -- The Fickle Finger of Fame
17 -- Adventures in Bodybuilding
16 -- Some Don't Like It Hot
15 -- The Cynical Guy Watches Oprah
14 -- Sports Parents: Menace to Society?
13 -- Airfare Is No Fair at All
12 -- There's No Such Thing as 'New and Improved'
11 -- Celtomania!
10 -- The Naked Pate
9 -- Vanishing Act
8 -- Bush vs. Gore: It Could Be Worse
7 -- Who Wants to Be a Survivor?
6 -- Adventures in Heart Attack Prevention
5 -- Where Men Are Men
4 -- Thoughts While Listening to the Car Radio
3 -- History Is HISTORY
2 -- The Great Casino
1 -- Greetings from Your New Cynical Guy



Profile of a Cynic...

Photo of Rick Bayan

Rick Bayan was born and raised in New Brunswick, New Jersey, where he enjoyed an idyllic suburban childhood—the perfect background for a lifetime of cynical disillusionment.  He has held a number of typical jobs for an idealistic liberal arts graduate, including assistant editor of Rubber Age and managing editor of Container News.  At Time-Life Books he was assigned to write about plumbing fixtures.  His work as copy chief for Day-Timers, Inc., won six advertising awards, none of which dampened his cheerfully morose view of business and life.  He has written three books, including Words That Sell and The Cynic's Dictionary, and tons of junk mail.

Bayan, who claims to be a "kinder, gentler cynic," currently lives in Allentown, Pennsylvania. His weekly column, "Some Cynical Guy," is published and syndicated by Upbeat Online. 

 

 

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